Good Life - Good Death?
The Rock Stack
The layers of rock are obvious to all, part of the beauty found on our hike in The Wave, Coyote Buttes North. As I gazed on this, I saw a metaphor of my life. Each layer represents a foundation from which I have grown and developed. The broader base supports each progressive step. All of these were made possible through the time and effort of my teachers and mentors along the way, starting with family and progressively adding more and more people who were instrumental in making me the person that I am. Teachers, Scout leaders, Coaches, Professors, and Friends all contributed to each foundation layer. They inspired, implored, explored, challenged and assisted in building each layer. Teaching is at its root a selfless form of sharing. The cracks and crags represent the missteps and mistakes along the way, each affording an opportunity for introspection, growth and resilience. My teachers provided me with my layers of foundations and my most important treasures.
“I'm looking for hard headed woman (hard headed woman)
One who'll make me do my best
And if I find my hard headed woman
I know the rest of my life will be blessed, yes (yes), yes, yes”
~ Cat Stevens
Carey -
Hopefully most of us have pondered the meaning of life. Oftentimes, “happiness” rises to the top of the hoped for list. I think that this goal is misplaced. It seems to have overtones of hedonism and selfishness. Often material things become the yardstick of measurement. A search for Fulfillment rather than the pursuit of happiness makes more sense to me. If one has a fulfilled life, then most likely they will also find happiness along the way. Perhaps a fulfilled life becomes a good life. Looking back, are there things that one would do differently? Or could do better? Almost universally the answer is “Yes.” This does not negate having a fulfilled or good life. Humans stumble, sputter and err. It’s what we do. Having the perception that one has led a good life does make the idea of a good death easier to embrace. For many, it really comes down to “Did you attempt (and in some small way succeed) in making the world a better place for others, or was it all about you and a small circle of close friends and relatives?” I believe that my search for fulfillment rather than happiness in life paved the way for a good dying process. I’ve made many errors and missteps along the way, and attempted to use these as learning opportunities. So perhaps “pursuit of happiness” isn’t all it’s been cranked up to be. Pursuit of fulfillment may afford a better option. It’s never too late to start.
Doorway to the Next Journey. Abandoned mining cabin, Death Valley National Park. Many viewers see a spiritual overtone in this photo. An old and aging, decrepit dwelling that once housed a life (or lives) filled with hopes and experiences. While the structure has lost its vitality and ability to shelter, the open door affords a vista of what the next journey may entail. What adventures await?
Nicole -
Life has layers. Joy, grief, happiness, sadness all layer together to form our human experience. Judgment of a good life or good death looks different to the person experiencing it themselves or the people watching from afar.
In palliative care, we start with the story of who the person is and weave the illness and its effects into the patient’s narrative. I’ve learned that there is no good life or good death because that is a judgment I’m not entitled to make. Bringing our presence to witness the journey of a dying person is what counts. Being able to walk in the weeds together, laugh at the absurdities, be present for the pain. All these go into the bucket of good life, good death.
My observation is that sometimes people tend to die the way they live. Happy people find acceptance and peace, angry people hang on to bitterness. And yet there always remains the opportunity for transformation and hope. Sometimes it takes the realization that this life as we know it is ending to destroy walls built over a lifetime. And in the willingness to let the walls come down, fulfillment and grace can grow. It is never too late to mend bridges, to express gratitude, to forgive and to love.
Carey and I started with him as teacher and me as student and while I am now his palliative care physician, I still consider myself his student. Watching how he navigates this journey he didn’t intend to be on has taught me “don’t wait, do things today.” As he accepts the changes in his body which would have been unacceptable even a few months ago, he continues to do what he can and still be curious and questioning. He checks his oxygen saturation levels, compares it to how it makes him feel and continues to learn from his own physiology. He still looks to make the world around him better and to teach through his own dying process. That, indeed is fulfillment.
Robin -
What is a good life and does it lead to a good death?
For me, making a difference in the world is the key to contentment and finding joy in life. Approaching death with the knowledge that your life made a difference for at least one other person and having no regrets could make the journey easier and more fulfilling. Not long before he was killed, our good friend Kevin Rodgers told his sons to “leave nothing unsaid and nothing undone.” What great advice for living!
It is easy to talk about what makes a good life, but what makes a good death? Death is an uncomfortable topic of conversation for many people so mostly we avoid talking about what we want or the process of dying. Most people in the United States today experience death in a hospital with hospital gowns, machines and strangers and the accompanying financial burden.
We are all on our own journeys to death from the minute we are born but we seldom contemplate the end of the journey. What do you want to have happen? What do you want it to be like? Who do you want to be with you? Where would you like to be? When do you accept quality of life over quantity of life? These are individual decisions and different for everyone. It is easy to get caught up in the “fight” and forget about what is important to you. Carey decided that he wanted to die at home without the drama of a hospital death. Dr. Pelly and I will work together to make sure his death is peaceful and at home with family and friends.